i'm reviving this journal for the things that i ought to say to myself, but aren't really appropriate for the friend-centric world of journaling.

jobbyjobbyjobbyjobbyjob, please call today even though you might suck. suck like a fox!

if i'm in, dan says i could crash at his apartment. ah dan, what a delight. indeed, indeed.

what does my damn sister want for graduation? it's gotta be good...

considerably less down but still anti-people. i pretty much only like nina, and i have no more time for people who can't live up to the nina standard. and no one can. i'd call her right now if i wasn't fairly sure that phil's daughter is there and asleep, and i'd disturb her. so.

i could be drunk in south bend at this very moment, but thanks to an early shift tomorrow, i am not. actually, steve lives up to my expectations, and i would have liked to see him this last time before he's off to botswana. damnit.

whalerider is a great movie. i cried, but then i always cry.

out buying baby shower presents for a cousin today, and i kept wanting to buy things for nina. this is bizarre behavior considering there is no baby in sight. i just got the idea that spending hundreds of dollars on octopus/rocket ship baby stuff for my best friend would be about as fun a thing as i can imagine.

i am really feeling the doom yet again today. a year's break from dating, yet it turns out that i haven't changed one bit. my mood and outlook are still heavily dominated by people on the outside, often people who don't even know they've got influence. i may think that i am enough for me, but it seems that i am anxious for outside interference. damnit. told sven i must admit that i really just want someone to hold my hand. but, sven doesn't respond. sven is like blogger: you send something out into the void, and you get no response but feel better for the sending.

a guy i went to high school with is on the cover of the paper for having the us's third-smallest surviving baby. born at 10 ounces. christ. i should stop my damn crying over my generalized malaise. i gave up my malaise around lent last year; maybe i need to renew my vow?

feeling a little down over the loss of something that didn't even exist. funny how you can get a little tiny piece and start thinking happy; funny how nothing can be something and mess things up good.

or, maybe i am being melodramatic, and things will blow over into a decent arrangement. who knows. even if it does, i have severe guilt pangs over certain behaviors to handle.

today has not been memorable; worked a short shift, cooked dinner, watched too much reality tv, now contemplating going to bed even though it's not yet midnight. perhaps i'll call a gainesvillain, the only people i can appropriately call at this hour. no emails today, no new jobs posted on any of the sites i check. so. this is beginning to make me crazy. how much good nature do i have left in me where the job hunt is concerned? i am bored bored bored, and also broke broke broke, and i just want to be fulfilled, just a little. i am too smart for this crap.

on happy notes, i am reading the most recent sarah blaffer hrdy book (sociobio, on the roles of mothers, mothering, and female choice in human evolution) and listening to the new ani album that came out today, so there is some sense of harmony. this is ani's divorce album. all the greats have a divorce album.

i went and saw nina. it was refreshing, perfect, fun, crazy. i am heading back at the end of the month; i mean, we need to take advantage of proximity while we've got it. it could well be another 8 years before we live a mere 4 hours away again.

otherwise, i need to get on the ball with job apps again. i am still working a lot, which is good for the flow but bad for the time and inclination to mail resumes. if i had a printer and a swift internet connection it would be better, but those are really just excuses.

that's it...gotta ease back in to the blogging...