haven't been blogging much lately, mostly because i'm not feeling passionately one way or the other about anything. also, having rachel home is a distraction - a good one. i worked so much and such odd hours over the holiday season that i spent a great deal of time exhausted. now i'm feeling more normal and balanced. i even have three days off in a row - the 30th, 31st, and 1st! exciting, that...am looking into going to bowling green to see nina. however, the greyhound wants to take between 10 and 17 hours to get from here to there. i think i have to look into alternate modes of transportation. i mean, i know greyhound is a hosing but does it really need to be that much of a hosing?

sadly missed a phone call from iraq a few nights ago because i was out boozing it up with an old roomie and his notre dame crew. great, awesome time, poured a beverage on steve out of pure hilariousness, did some of my notorious morning-after puking, then had to work until almost 1 in the morn. good good fun but still would have liked to get that phone call.

when a big, full-color picture of bono is on the front page of the chicago sun-times, you know it's going to be a good day.

just wrote a long entry but deleted it. doubted the argument i was making. plus i'm drinking a bit, which tends to cloud the vision, it does.

i have been in love twice - and not with who you think. categories like "longevity of relationship" and "niceness of boy" don't really figure into it. the first time it genuinely happened, i was older than i think maybe you should be, and it came as a profound relief. this all came back to me a few nights ago, re-reading the archives of long-dead messages to and from sven. sven is my truth serum and i say and admit to all the things that i didn't even realize were true yet when i write to him. he sees the way the insides of me work, and he gets it. in one letter to him i explained that falling so thoroughly and unexpectedly, as i had, and even in spite of the fact that it was apparent from go that nothing could really ever come of it, it was also a tremendous relief. up until that point, i tended to view my relationships in pretty rational terms, and i had come to doubt that i could ever experience a truly unequivocal emotional response to someone. i had waited years in a relationship that didn't seem to have much wrong with it, waiting for my heart to catch up. it didn't, and i wondered sincerely if it ever would with anyone. and then, unexpectedly and completely un-sought-after, i got knocked over. and despite the subsequent months of anxiously awaiting emails, lamenting missed connections, and even wondering if i should date in my normal life, it was all a relief. i was normal. and sven understood it. so what if it didn't actually work out? it was ok.

fast forward to most recent, painful relationship...in love, oh absolutely, but why? this time around the emotional response made no sense, really, but again it was undeniable. this time around i learned that this sort of unexplainable vulnerability could be a real liability. this time around my trust in myself took a major hit.

and then, a few weeks ago, someone commented that he couldn't imagine how anyone could love someone they don't respect and admire. and that's really it, isn't it? my second big love did not have my respect and admiration - my tolerance and support and encouragement, but not respect and admiration for the person he was and the things he'd done. and thinking about it that way makes it a great deal easier to understand. not that i wasn't already at peace with the situation and over the guy, but that statement had me picking up a shovel and throwing on the earth. at the end of the day, that was what was wrong. and there is no regret in letting go of something like that.

at the end of the day, i'm glad that i can have a purely emotional response to someone, and i'm even glad that i can get burned by it. but i have invited my brain back into the mix. if i can't come up with a genuine answer to the question "what do i respect and admire about this guy?" then the emotional part of me needs to take a seat. it's gotta be a partnership, guys.

i just burned my dinner. crap.

tomorrow is the second busiest day for sales at my store all year. this means i will probably suffer, but at least i get to suffer early and then go home, leaving it all behind me. also, i get to start suffering a few hours after the store first opens, so i get to sit in the starbucks across the street people-watching, drinking my gingerbreag latte (why is it so GOOD?), and reading the new york times. i do feel like a bit of a dumbass not being in school, but surprisingly, i also feel much more opinionated and knowledgable about what's going on in the world. it's nice to know about current events. it's good to have time to read the economist.

i'm feeling a strong urge to make mix tapes for people. this was brought on by re-discovering my curve albums. those are some highly charged albums...oh accursed lack of boyfriend!

thanksgiving this year was marvelous, but not for the normal reasons. it started at midnight, with me sitting in a mexican diner on fullerton with the i farm boys and a few other dear friends. i'd just seen the boys play after 2 1/2 years. slap was there too, who i hadn't seen in at least 3 years, probably a little longer. and the wonderful thing about the guys is that it never feels any different at all. it's also bizarre to see them as a girl without a boy; i could talk to who i wanted for as long as i wanted without having to worry about whether it would get me in trouble. beyond that, i am so proud of the things that my kids do and the people they are...they make me feel like i could just burst. not to mention that boast that comes from knowing that such incredible people love me right back. i do believe that i will be taking chris up on his invitation to come to new york as soon as it is economically possible.

following dinner, i went out with high school friends, and that was wonderful too. when you've all known each other since you were kids, and dorky, you can be yourself in a way you just can't around other people. they are simply hilarious.

the only downside: i'm beginning to worry that i am transitioning from someone who does interesting things to someone who *used* to do interesting things. i just want to keep up with my friends so they can feel as proud of knowing me as i do of knowing them. i will make this my inspiration.