haven't been blogging much lately, mostly because i'm not feeling passionately one way or the other about anything. also, having rachel home is a distraction - a good one. i worked so much and such odd hours over the holiday season that i spent a great deal of time exhausted. now i'm feeling more normal and balanced. i even have three days off in a row - the 30th, 31st, and 1st! exciting, that...am looking into going to bowling green to see nina. however, the greyhound wants to take between 10 and 17 hours to get from here to there. i think i have to look into alternate modes of transportation. i mean, i know greyhound is a hosing but does it really need to be that much of a hosing?

sadly missed a phone call from iraq a few nights ago because i was out boozing it up with an old roomie and his notre dame crew. great, awesome time, poured a beverage on steve out of pure hilariousness, did some of my notorious morning-after puking, then had to work until almost 1 in the morn. good good fun but still would have liked to get that phone call.

when a big, full-color picture of bono is on the front page of the chicago sun-times, you know it's going to be a good day.

just wrote a long entry but deleted it. doubted the argument i was making. plus i'm drinking a bit, which tends to cloud the vision, it does.

i have been in love twice - and not with who you think. categories like "longevity of relationship" and "niceness of boy" don't really figure into it. the first time it genuinely happened, i was older than i think maybe you should be, and it came as a profound relief. this all came back to me a few nights ago, re-reading the archives of long-dead messages to and from sven. sven is my truth serum and i say and admit to all the things that i didn't even realize were true yet when i write to him. he sees the way the insides of me work, and he gets it. in one letter to him i explained that falling so thoroughly and unexpectedly, as i had, and even in spite of the fact that it was apparent from go that nothing could really ever come of it, it was also a tremendous relief. up until that point, i tended to view my relationships in pretty rational terms, and i had come to doubt that i could ever experience a truly unequivocal emotional response to someone. i had waited years in a relationship that didn't seem to have much wrong with it, waiting for my heart to catch up. it didn't, and i wondered sincerely if it ever would with anyone. and then, unexpectedly and completely un-sought-after, i got knocked over. and despite the subsequent months of anxiously awaiting emails, lamenting missed connections, and even wondering if i should date in my normal life, it was all a relief. i was normal. and sven understood it. so what if it didn't actually work out? it was ok.

fast forward to most recent, painful relationship...in love, oh absolutely, but why? this time around the emotional response made no sense, really, but again it was undeniable. this time around i learned that this sort of unexplainable vulnerability could be a real liability. this time around my trust in myself took a major hit.

and then, a few weeks ago, someone commented that he couldn't imagine how anyone could love someone they don't respect and admire. and that's really it, isn't it? my second big love did not have my respect and admiration - my tolerance and support and encouragement, but not respect and admiration for the person he was and the things he'd done. and thinking about it that way makes it a great deal easier to understand. not that i wasn't already at peace with the situation and over the guy, but that statement had me picking up a shovel and throwing on the earth. at the end of the day, that was what was wrong. and there is no regret in letting go of something like that.

at the end of the day, i'm glad that i can have a purely emotional response to someone, and i'm even glad that i can get burned by it. but i have invited my brain back into the mix. if i can't come up with a genuine answer to the question "what do i respect and admire about this guy?" then the emotional part of me needs to take a seat. it's gotta be a partnership, guys.

i just burned my dinner. crap.

tomorrow is the second busiest day for sales at my store all year. this means i will probably suffer, but at least i get to suffer early and then go home, leaving it all behind me. also, i get to start suffering a few hours after the store first opens, so i get to sit in the starbucks across the street people-watching, drinking my gingerbreag latte (why is it so GOOD?), and reading the new york times. i do feel like a bit of a dumbass not being in school, but surprisingly, i also feel much more opinionated and knowledgable about what's going on in the world. it's nice to know about current events. it's good to have time to read the economist.

i'm feeling a strong urge to make mix tapes for people. this was brought on by re-discovering my curve albums. those are some highly charged albums...oh accursed lack of boyfriend!

thanksgiving this year was marvelous, but not for the normal reasons. it started at midnight, with me sitting in a mexican diner on fullerton with the i farm boys and a few other dear friends. i'd just seen the boys play after 2 1/2 years. slap was there too, who i hadn't seen in at least 3 years, probably a little longer. and the wonderful thing about the guys is that it never feels any different at all. it's also bizarre to see them as a girl without a boy; i could talk to who i wanted for as long as i wanted without having to worry about whether it would get me in trouble. beyond that, i am so proud of the things that my kids do and the people they are...they make me feel like i could just burst. not to mention that boast that comes from knowing that such incredible people love me right back. i do believe that i will be taking chris up on his invitation to come to new york as soon as it is economically possible.

following dinner, i went out with high school friends, and that was wonderful too. when you've all known each other since you were kids, and dorky, you can be yourself in a way you just can't around other people. they are simply hilarious.

the only downside: i'm beginning to worry that i am transitioning from someone who does interesting things to someone who *used* to do interesting things. i just want to keep up with my friends so they can feel as proud of knowing me as i do of knowing them. i will make this my inspiration.

why is blogger trying to oppress me today?

over the last week or so, i've felt my family slipping back into its pre-grandfather's death ways...my grandmother is judgmental and mean. i have lost patience with her. my mother is snippy and remains on the couch. my brother cannot be bothered to call anyone. i shut myself into rooms with a computer, or music, or a book, and i hide. it is a sad situation and yet i feel pretty emotionless about it.

not much else to say...my brain runs a thousand miles an hour about political issues, and that is all...

my sister, the blogger nazi, demanded that i post today. i thought i was being a pretty consistent updater, but rachel has high standards, i guess.

a friend used the word "alcoholocaust" in a sentence yesterday. brilliant.

i drank more like my old self yesterday night with an old high school friend. no hangover for either of us, even. came home, internet-ed, worked until after midnight. it is remarkable the number of people who bring their young children out shopping after 11pm. just another way that people make me mad.

but some people are just the opposite and make me very happy. being told via email that i am adorable certainly does it - especially in that it came from someone i actively hope finds me adorable, among other adjectives. another friend who had vanished from the earth for a few months reappeared, asking for my phone number and generally being delightful. dear sweet mark called to say he'll be in town in a few days. also got an invite to go watch the extended version of the two towers with a bunch of historians; sadly, i did have to go to work, but those are the sorts of invites i sincerely appreciate.

you've never actually seen someone's face until you've looked at it in repose, sleeping. this is true of friends as well as lovers, i think.

i have been listening to "gentle on my mind" on repeat for about an hour. i love this song but am not entirely sure why. it makes me feel sad and hopeful all at once. i kind of relate to the sentiment of perpetual travel and returning to those people that you meet who are most meaningful. i guess i like this because all my best-loved people are scattered across this country and others, and if i could right now i'd be scattered elsewhere, too. but constant separation? sadsadsad. it might be the life i choose for myself, though, so i'd better learn to let go of the sad and work on romanticizing it.

the last few days - week - has been fun and hectic and filled with adventure. i feel normal, which is in no way related to feeling normalized. in some ways some recent events have made me feel insecure again, but i guess since it has been so long since i had reason to feel that way, it instantly stuck out as an unnatural feeling. and that is good, because it has mostly been banished already. i think that in spite of the disaster my life seemed to be over the last year, the decisions i made to deal with it were actually good ones. things are working out now. i actively feel that this whole chapter of my existence is nearing completion. i think i am close to a job. having a job will mean that my move-out is pending, and that i am in suburbia by choice. and when i do move out, that will officially end this chapter.

but! rachel comes home soon. i love my friends. i have great new friends. this is happiness.

i am not a grownup on the outside but on the inside, i think perhaps yes.

just typo-ed "grownup on" as grownupon. hmmm.

back to having an angst-free, A+ day. it's the little things that bring you up and down.

yesterday night's crying about lack of phone calls ended when it occurred to me to call ryan again. for some reason ryan and i stopped talking in june for no real reason despite being inseperable in gainesville. but now we're in effect again i guess. it's funny how you don't even know how much you miss someone until you talk to them again. i found myself exclaiming "pete pliskin!" and "hurray for gerbils" even though i had not thought of that shit for months. there is an edge to me when i talk to ryan that i don't have with many people. i asked him to explain his email address to me (trust me, it seems nonsensical) and after he finished the explanation, i replied "that's two minutes of my life i'll never have back." and then we laughed. and he assured me that i wouldn't have to follow through with my quasi-promise to eventually marry steve because "he'll be dead by then." which, as i replied, is funny because it's true.

so now i'm thinking of re-applying to phd programs. learning is better than retail. duh.

it's worse when things go right just a little bit. you can get used to the below average but when you get a little blast of not even great but just normal, a good time, a bit of optimism, suddenly you expect that. and when it doesn't come - and when does it ever really come? - it's that much worse. the fact is that i am in a situation where i do not do interesting things or routinely interact with interesting people; thus, it would be foolish to expect interesting things to happen. i have an interesting past which is good for something, but it can only go so far. i need to do something and be somewhere. note that this is not meant to be depressing, for i refuse to give in to the malaise ever again. but sometimes your heart is ready to just jump out of your chest because it wants...well it has no idea what it is that it wants, but it sure wants something. why aren't my bags packed? it would be so easy...

getting off work at midnight means lots of energy, no one awake in this house, and no one to call. coming home to zero emails and zero returned phone calls, although i left many messages yesterday. of course no one means anything by it, but jesus...six months ago i had to work hard for some solitude, now i'm trapped in it.

i passionately hate working retail. not because it is such a bad job, which it isn't really, but because of what it stands for and the things it makes clear. it's all sell more, produce more, consume more more more. have more things, move merchandise, be more materialistic! learn to need the unnecessary! when i unpack merchandise and see the phenomenal amount of waste that comes with three gift sets of perfume, the sort of thing that looks like it might be a nice gift but that no one really wants, i feel ill. these are not unique or profound observations, but i find it startling - and frankly depressing - that no one else ever seems bothered by it. even the otherwise bright, considerate ones barely notice.

when i was in kenya, i was 19 and it was my first time abroad. one of the people i worked with that i got closest to was mike, one of the directors of the project. we would all eat dinner in an ephemeral streambed as the sun was setting, two lanterns in the middle of our circle of stools. it would be night when we finished up, and most people would head straight for their tents to sleep, but mike and i and a couple others habitually stayed up and watched the bugs dive-bomb into the lanterns. one night, after we'd already been in kenya for over a month, i started talking about my mixed feelings about the so-called poverty i saw. i felt extremely, painfully guilty for the life that i led i the states, and the waste, and the overabundance. yet i also felt uncomfortable categorizing the people i saw as poor - who cares if your floor is made of dirt if that's all you need? why are multiple pairs of shoes necessary? who gives a fuck if you don't have a tv? who was i to judge poverty based on such superficial traits? the thought of living like that, simply in terms of posessions and yet not simply at all, appealed to me. but i also worried that accepting and admiring that lifestyle might be an excuse to not feel obligated to help the people who lived like that, who maybe would like to have all the stupid shit that i have. i tried to explain this to the few people still awake, people who were hippies by american standards, constantly on about the plight of whatever peoples and shunning makeup and refusing to eat meat. in short, i thought they were the type of people who would understand. they looked at me blankly. they didn't see it. i've never stopped being amazed by this. i do get to feeling pretty lonely when i realize that this is a phenomenon that will repeat itself throughout my life. i want the other people who, regardless of what they do or look like or sound like or believe or like, see this stuff and feel it press against them, and almost, but not quite, go under.

all in all i'm feeling quite happy. an email from sven, a phonecall with nina, contact with a nice boy...things feel good. i was not down or depressed in any way before, really, but now i'm feeling actively positive. could a - gasp - job come next?

i feel as though i should make some sort of meaningful observation, but i have none. it's funny how such things become difficult when you're cheerful. have even managed to get on well with the fam for the past couple of days. that's the bigger shocker.

i'm tired of being told i look 18. this is absurd. there is no way. yesterday my boss sought to illustrate a point by recounting something that had happened to her in high school. high school? oh, ok bosswoman, i get it now! i relate! thanks!!!

conflicting emotions: joy/jealousy over news and picture of andy and his new baby; love for the uf vet clinic, the brightest part of gainesville which i had somehow forgotten; gratitude towards co-workers for the mouthy outrage on my behalf; and a whole big who-knows-what-the-hell-this-is over news that i've been asked about, followed by "you are so glad you're not with this guy anymore, and that's all i'll say." you see, saying nothing at all is so very much better than saying that there are things to say which you will not say. whatever horrible things he's up to, i'd rather not know, and i'd rather pretend i was less stupid than i actually was in loving someone who turned out to be...unbelievable. and it pisses me off right now to even think about this. it's ancient history. i live this now.

i am waiting for an email from sven - any sign of life and interest from one of the people i care about most on the planet. i won't hold it against him if i don't get it because i know him well enough not to take it personally. but i'm still waiting and wanting. i am also waiting on a phone call that i think might Matter. i can't prove it will but that's still what i think.

lately i've been innundated with images of obese cats and a message from the media that this is *not* acceptable. those who have lived with blerti and pokey know they are not feasting and snacking, yet i still feel as if i've been accused of being a bad cat mom.

another rainy, grey, leaves swirling around sort of day. i like it. some people get depressed in winter but not me. this is such a great change after the past four years of still sweating in november.

that said, there are a few things i miss about florida, like the omnipresence of gyms. i miss weights. i also miss curry at steamers and the high quality public transportation. and living right across the street from common grounds and lots of "amazing nights of music," heh. i do not miss my clothing reeking of mold, the exceptionally run-down neighborhoods, and the quality of people, which i deem to be low.

long phone calls with my sister are the best. she appreciates the dorky things i do to embarass her. she accused me of only liking boys who are blond, muscle-y, and american looking. it's so not on purpose, but it is so true.

it's one of those nights where none of my music is working out for me. i think i need something new, but i want to be moved by lyrics, made to cry even. i don't want to risk disappointment, though...and you know you never get inspiration when you're looking for it. i should probably settle for a book of poetry or something.

yes it's one of those nights...i got off work at a reasonable hour (7) but then really have had nothing to do with myself. i spend all my time online lately, switching among looking for jobs, applying for them, and procrastination activities like email and friendster. i figured i'd add a blog to the list, as i faithfully read my sister's and the current post-grad school lack of intellectual activities in my life is killing me. so online pondering; that's not a bad idea.

it's 1:30 am. but it's raining out and i hate to miss a rainstorm by sleeping through it. i'm in the mood for some into-the-night phone activity but sadly, once you stop living in a college town 1:30 ceases to be a reasonable hour for phone calls. that works out pretty poorly for a night owl like me.